


Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter

by messylochness



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Divorced parents, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Slow Burn, mentions of bullying, mentions of depression, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 13:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19442707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/messylochness/pseuds/messylochness
Summary: Jongin finds a lost journal, with no idea of its owner. To try and figure out who it belongs to, Jongin starts reading it, what he wasn't expecting is the detailed descriptions of the journal owner’s secret crush...which is him!





	1. The First Spring

Just one last table, and then he would be free. 

Jongin grabbed the hideous napkin that was folded neatly on the round corner of the cashier machine before dragging his tired legs to the table beside the door. It was previously occupied by a bunch of college nerds who were talking loudly about a science experiment for something that sounded like a final project during their dinner. Their discussion was quite heated with lots of arguments thrown here and there, and it lasted almost until the restaurant's closing time. Jongin stacked the empty side dish containers—careful not to pile them too high because he didn’t want to drop them on his way back to the kitchen—then cleaned the remaining _gochujang_ splatter and other stains from the table.

His eyes suddenly landed on a black leather-bound book laid on one of the chairs. It was thick, heavy with lots of small trinkets slipped in between its pages. It must have belonged to one of the boys, there were five of them. And as important as their science experiment talk was, this book probably contained the world itself for its owner. Had they gone far? He was considering running after them to return it. Jongin picked up the book. His fingertip reluctantly hung lower, right above the rubber tie on the outer side of the book that held it together.

He was about to check who the owner of this book was, perhaps they had left an address or phone number on the front page or any proof of identity, but he hesitated. Was it okay to do that? Should he just keep it under the cashier drawer and wait for someone to claim the book?

Jongin yawned, fatigue slowly creeping up on him. From the corner of his eye, the large clock across the room showed it was almost midnight. He worked extra hours during the weekend to earn extra money for his tuition fee. Ballet school was not that affordable for him, even with his scholarship coverage.

He changed his pointe shoes every couple of weeks, even more often than the possibility of eating out with his friends, just like what these boys had done. And Jongin didn't come from a rich family. No matter how big his passion was, he had to work twice as hard than most of his privileged classmates.

Before Jongin could think any longer or regret invading another person’s privacy, he sat on the chair that had previously been occupied by the book to read the first page of the journal. Neat handwriting beautifully carved with black ink seemed aesthetically satisfying to Jongin. It said Doh Kyungsoo, written in english instead of _hangul_. Jongin has never met someone with a family name Doh, especially a Kyungsoo, as far as he could remember, but he didn't know why this name rang so much familiar to him. No phone number, address, nor the university or major that he attended were written on the journal’s front page, so Jongin guessed he was stuck with only the name. 

He pulled a phone from his jeans pocket, and start typing Doh Kyungsoo on Naver. He scrolled through the suggestions—wait, who was Doh Seungsoo, the young, successful CEO of Dorado Hotel? He looked handsome in his early thirties, also they shared the same family name—but he couldn't find any information that might match the person who owned this book. Jongin rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand while trying hard to suppress a yawn. Suddenly, he heard soft footsteps on the wooden floor coming near. He quickly closed the book, replaced the rubber band closure, and hid it in the front pocket of his waist apron.

“Is there something wrong?” Jongin heard his boss, Joohyun ask. Jongin shook his head, putting a weak smile on his face.

“No, nothing,” he replied. He could have told her about the customer's missed items, but his words were stuck in his throat. His curiosity made him braver after he peeked at the first page, what harm could be done if he read a couple more pages.

“Let me help you,” she lifted the stacked small bowls and empty beer glasses.

Jongin stood up quickly and took the remaining dishes from the table, bringing them to the kitchen where Wooyoung was waiting. Jongin rolled his shirt sleeves up to help clean the dishes, as well as the kitchen before they went home. The sooner they finished this, the quicker he could rest.

"You look tired," Wooyoung mentioned while he was rubbing a frying pan with a metal scrub, while Jongin was toweling the clean tableware dry.

"Do I?" he replied with a bit of gloom in his voice.

"You can come to work late tomorrow, I won't tell Joohyun _noona_ . Take as much as rest that you need."

Jongin scoffed, "Thanks, but I don't think that's necessary. I'm okay, don't worry."

Wooyoung's eyes lingered on him for a few moments, before he continued his cleaning. Jongin didn't need anyone else's pity. Especially from Wooyoung, the med student, whose life he assumed was much harder than his own. 

The three of them went their separate ways after locking the doors and bid each other goodnight. Joohyun walked straight to her car that was parked a few meters away from the shop. Meanwhile Wooyoung went to the bus stop nearby to wait for his brother to give him a ride, since his last bus had left a long time ago.

Jongin’s flat was only a short walk away from his workplace, it usually took less than ten minutes. Jongin pulled his jacket closer over the jumper he was wearing, then increased the volume of the music he was listening to through his earphones. The leather-bound book that he found was tucked securely inside his backpack, adding the extra weight of inquisition. He really fought the urge to tell Joohyun about it before bringing it home. But the latter option won. He really needed to tone down his curiosity at some point, but not now. Especially, not today.

Jongin sighed, he would return it tomorrow if he couldn't figure out the owner of the book by himself. By then, someone named Doh Kyungsoo should have realized that his book was missing and probably tracked his way back to look for it. It was only a matter of time before he would call the restaurant, asking for the book. 

Jongin unlocked the front door to the sound of his roommate's light snore from the couch. Taemin looked tired, and it seemed like he was still wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday. 

Jongin tiptoed to the kitchen to save the extra sandwiches from Joohyun in the fridge. She had spent the entire afternoon ruining their kitchen—creating a new appetizer menu, before desperately dumping the rest to Seulgi who managed to finish the dish with zero waste. It looked quite edible, but Jongin was full. He would eat it tomorrow morning before going to the dance studio for his regular routine with his classmates, Sehun and Yixing. They promised to hangout for lunch after that.

Jongin laid on his bed after a quick shower. He charged his nearly-dead phone before reaching out for his backpack, looking for the leather-bound journal. His heart raced wildly, full of anticipation. He kept telling himself that it was fine to take a peek, it was for Doh Kyungsoo's own good. What if he couldn't remember where the place he last visited today was? What if this book was important for him? What if…

The second page of that journal was not dated. Jongin wondered what kind of people who would write First Spring instead of the proper date and month. As far as he remembered, Doh Kyungsoo—whoever he was amongst the five guys—and his friends seemed like highly-detailed tech guys, based on their conversations. Scratch that, Kyungsoo was _indeed_ a detailed guy, as Jongin could see he had even inserted a dried cherry blossom flower between the second and third sheet secured with double-sided tape along with a Namsan Tower brochure. 

_First Spring_

_Seungsoo_ hyung _is one big liar! He promises our Dad to take care of me, but he ditches me right after we arrived to meet Seohyun_ nuna _and his other friends from school. I think he only uses me to get his permission to see cherry blossoms with his girlfriend, since I'm the only one who knows about the girl he is secretly dating. Now I'm hungry, but I don't have any money since he took all of our allowances. I heard he promised Seohyun_ nuna _a fancy lunch, I hate him for that. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I loathe Seohyun_ nuna _,_ _but I just don't think my brother deserves her._

Jongin scoffed, how old was Doh Kyungsoo when he wrote that? Was he younger than him? He should have sympathized with him for his brother being an arse, but he couldn't help but notice how cute and adorable this little Kyungsoo's handwriting was and the way he told the story. It was more fun to read than any novel he had read in the past. It made it hard to stop, he was addicted. Jongin bit his fist to prevent the giggle that threatened to slip out of his mouth. Jongin wasn't the type who liked to stereotype others, but he couldn't help comparing this cute boy to the group of South Korea's future scientists that he met previously.

_I'm really hungry, my stomach is rumbling loudly, I think the boy who's sitting a few meters away from me can hear it as he’s constantly looking in this direction whenever it makes weird sounds._

Jongin cackled, shoving his head in his pillow to muffle the sound. He didn't want Taemin to wake up from the noise he was making. Why was reading someone else's private thoughts so much fun? He should feel guilty instead!

_That boy suddenly came near. With a gentle, warm smile he offered a couple of tuna mayonnaise triangle_ kimbap _for me._

_"Do you want a share?" he says._

_Mom says I should not trust strangers, but my hunger was too much to endure. Also, he looked like he’s around my age, what harm can be done by kids like us? I nodded, accepting it with a thanks, and finished them in a few big bites._

_He blinked several times before scratching his head and nape. Did I make him uncomfortable? He said something like he was going to give me half of it, but I ate everything. I feel so ashamed, I started blabbering my apologies and I probably said too much that he shouldn't need to know the rest of my story._

_He was speechless, he just stared at me with his piercing eyes, and it seemed like I made him upset._

Jongin blinked several times, either his eyes had just betrayed him or he really read correctly, because he could have sworn something that Doh Kyungsoo wrote felt familiar. It sounded similar to his own experience, ten years ago. 

He remembered when he was ten years old, he went cherry blossom viewing at Namsan Tower with his family. It was one of the family traditions they had practiced since long before when he was still in his mother's womb until spring that year. His eldest sister, Jungyeon, even invited her boyfriend—later to become husband—Wooseok to join them back then. He was a culinary student. The whole family agreed that he would be in charge of their lunch box. He even taught Jungah, Jongin’s second elder sister, how to perfectly season the kimchi fried rice.

The smaller boy who sat several chairs beside Jongin indeed seemed anxious, and famished too based on the strange sound that kept coming from his stomach. He kept glancing at all sides, probably looking for someone. A family member, guardian, or friends? It was not possible for anyone—especially a minor like him—to go on a flower viewing by himself. After all, the nice weather and sweet scent of blooming flowers were supposed to be enjoyed with a companion. 

Jongin might have had forgotten that particular starving boy he met back then, if it wasn't written in this journal belonging to Doh Kyungsoo. He smiled while reminiscing how delicious that tuna mayonnaise triangle _kimbap_ was. He even noted down the recipe before moving out to the city just in case he missed the food and he didn't want to go through the hours long ride back home.

As he read the last sentence, Jongin blinked several times before the realization sunk in. Why did he look upset back then? He couldn’t quite remember the reason. He indeed loved his food very much, but wouldn't that be a bit childish to fight over the last piece of food, especially with a stranger? He never fought over food, even with his own siblings at home.

Perhaps his facial expression seemed upset to the boy. But he was pretty sure that it wasn't anger that was shown on his face. It was merely a surprised look, because the boy had devoured the tuna _kimbap_ faster than Jongin ever could. 

The boy—Kyungsoo—kept apologizing with his teary doe eyes that were too enchanting not to forgive, while repeatedly saying he would return them after his brother came. Feeling guilty, Jongin replied 'it's okay’, and 'never mind’ to his every ‘I’m sorry’ and consoled him instead. He even asked why his brother and his friends left him alone, and for how much longer he was going to abandon him, not because he wanted his _kimbap_ back, but he was worried about him being alone by himself.

Jongin would have stayed with the boy for longer, but he couldn't, since his family was calling his name already, and they needed to be back soon to catch the KTX. Jongin bid him goodbye and ran. He never met him again the next year, or the year after that until he no longer remembered their short encounter. He even slightly regretted that he could have at least asked for a name before they parted ways, but didn't.

Perhaps Kyungsoo's parents found out that his elder son did Kyungsoo wrong so he wasn't allowed to go flower viewing again, or Kyungsoo's brother was big enough to go there by himself so that he didn't need him as an excuse, or something happened. Jongin yawned. He closed the journal, placing it nicely on his bedside table before pulling the comforter to his chin and let the fuzzy, newly acknowledged old memory lull him to sleep. He would continue his read tomorrow for sure. He still had enough time, after all. 

——————————

Kyungsoo woke up with a headache. A nasty excruciating pain that stung behind his skull, right between his eyebrows that was probably caused by sleep deprivation, or slight dehydration since his throat had felt awfully parched.

His room, which was usually well organized and neat, had dissipated in a mess of turned books and scattered papers. He groaned, massaging his left temple with his fingertips, while his free hand pulled the curtains closer so that the rays of morning sunlight wouldn’t go right through his eyes. What time did he go to sleep this morning? After two?

He couldn't quite recall, since he was too immersed in searching for his old, worn out, black leather bound journal that he usually kept close anywhere he went. It was full of nice memories, the good warm-hearted feeling that he experienced back when he had just turned eleven. One that he treasured dearly and motivated him to start writing a journal just like what his therapist had suggested a few months prior, to help him sort his feelings after his parents had divorced ten years ago. But all Kyungsoo did was write about a boy who didn't even know his name, yet Kyungsoo himself couldn't forget.

Kyungsoo sighed, his most precious treasure disappeared in a single night. He couldn't even remember where or when the last time he saw the book was. He tried to compose himself while looking around his room. Thanks to what he did last night, not only did he need to find his missing belongings, he also had to tidy up his room to return it to its previous state.

He bent to collect the printed papers full of diagrams and graphics for his most recent assignments when his phone rang from outside the room, right at the kitchen counter. He couldn’t even remember why he placed it there in the first place. Kyungsoo took one heavy breath before dragging his limbs out of the mess of his room. He felt miserable to realize that his memory was starting to fail him at the mere age of twenty one. Perhaps Baekhyun was right and he was beginning to show early signs of dementia and it seemed to be getting worse by the week.

"Kyungsoo- _ya_ …" Chanyeol's voice sounded very distant, as if he had put his phone on speakerphone while he waited for it to be picked up. Kyungsoo had to strain his hearing to be able to catch his words.

"What?" he nearly shouted when he heard Chanyeol's voice getting further away. 

“Are you okay?" Chanyeol repeated his question. He was panting with every breath he took and there was a slight grunt at the end of his words. If Kyungsoo wasn't mistaken, the sounds he was making seemed similar to the ones he made when Kyungsoo caught him in the middle of a rather heated activity a few months ago.

"Why did you think I wasn't okay?" Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. He held his phone with his head against his right shoulder while he opened the refrigerator to retrieve a bottle of cold water. He took a big gulp to relieve his thirst. “What is that sound? Are you in the middle of having sex with Baekhyun while calling me? For your information, I don't want to get involved with any _kink_ —”

There was a clattering noise before Chanyeol picked his phone back up and finally turned off the speakerphone. “What? No! I'm at the gym, dude, doing my chest press routine," another muffled moan. "That's why I'm… shit! Screw that. Do you think I am that _low_?”

Kyungsoo shrugged his shoulders, although he knew that Chanyeol couldn't see him, “You’re always horny around my best friend, aren't you?”

“Oh, shut up!”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, “Yeah, as if I never caught you both in the middle of a heavy snogging.”

“And we've been very careful since then, thanks to you,” Chanyeol muttered.

"Where is Baekhyun?" Kyungsoo could help but feel upset that Baekhyun seemed to be avoiding him since he moved out with his boyfriend a couple of months ago. Even when they met yesterday, he chose to sit between his boyfriend and Jongdae across from Kyungsoo and Junmyeon. They rarely had enough time for any conversation deeper than asking about each other's well being with slight eye contact.

"You know him," Chanyeol groaned, clanking sounds still audible. "He's not a morning person. Anyway, have you found that precious book of yours? Baekhyun panicked when you called me last night, right after we reached home. He even told me to track it back to the taxi company to report a missing item, since I was the one who ordered your cab.”

Kyungsoo scoffed. This was the reason why he would rather contact Chanyeol instead of Baekhyun, at least his best friend's boyfriend might not over react the way the latter would. Also he wasn't on the best terms with Baekhyun with being awkward towards each other.

“That's very unnecessary, it's just a journal…” Last night after realizing that his journal went missing, he asked them whether they remembered seeing his leather-bound journal that day. But, of course, none of them had seen it since the last time Kyungsoo showed it to them was when he was in a drunken state. He said it was okay if they hadn't seen it, but it seemed like the two of them took it pretty gravely.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But it is important enough that you seem very fond of it, more than anything. And you just let us know about it last year."

"I learned my lesson too, to stay away from alcohol," Kyungsoo sighed, the headache coming back with stronger force. He pulled at random drawers under his kitchen counter looking for ibuprofen, and swallowed it dry.

Chanyeol was still talking on the other line, suggesting he start searching at Prof. Minseok's office, his classrooms, his lab, or the bus stop that he visited yesterday, when suddenly something clicked in Kyungsoo's mind.

“Hey Yeol, is there any way for me to contact the barbecue place we visited last night?” Kyungsoo asked. “Maybe I left it there. I vaguely remembered we were sorting through some notes that Prof. Minseok gave me for my humanoid design because Jongdae _hyung_ offered to help me, since he took the same class last year,” Kyungsoo swore he could hear Chanyeol's brain gears clicking. Chanyeol snapped his fingers.

“You're right! How could I not suggest that place from the very beginning? I feel so stupid, this is unlike me,” he muttered. “Go ask Junmyeon _hyung_ , he's the one who found that place,” he quickly added, “and paid the bills too. There must be some email address or phone number printed on the receipt.”

Kyungsoo ended the call with a soft thank you before sorting his contact log, looking for Junmyeon's number. He waited anxiously for him to pick up his phone, pacing back and forth in the tiny kitchen. At the seventh ring, there was a faint greeting from Junmyeon along with buzzing white noises in the background.

"Hello?"

“Hi, _hyung_. Are you busy?” Kyungsoo asked, he was biting his nails unconsciously, which was a nervous habit he had whenever he was anxious. When he checked the time right before making the call, it was only eight twenty, and he wondered how could someone like Kim Junmyeon, already be out and about this early.

“No, I'm not. I'm on my way to meet my family,” he replied. Kyungsoo could make out the distant sounds of honking and faint car engine. He already felt bad for making the call. 

"Are you driving? Should I just call you later?"

"No, Kyungsoo, I'm taking the bus. My car is not fixed yet," The silence that stretched between them made Junmyeon clears his throat before speaking, “Well, Soo? Do you need something?”

“Ah, actually…” Kyungsoo coughed. The words he was going to say got stuck in his throat. He was contemplating whether he should just forget about the phone number he needed, and just go straight to the barbeque place, since he had nothing to do today other than trying to finish his assignments. Maybe he should not bother Junmyeon at all.

“Are you okay, Soo?” Junmyeon warily questioned. "Do you need some help?"

“Oh, I'm fine, _hyung_ , don’t worry about me. I am calling you to… say thanks. Last night was great. You helped me a lot on the assignments. I liked the food too, it was very good, thanks for bringing us to that restaurant.”

Junmyeon laughed heartily, “I'm glad that you liked it,” he sighed, “It seems like you're the only kid that always remembers to thank me every time I bring all of you out to eat. You're welcome, Soo, and have a good day. I got to go, my stop is near.”

“Yeah, _hyung,_ you too. Have fun with your family.”

Junmyeon chuckled, “oh, I really can't wait to see my newborn nephew.”

The phone call ended. Kyungsoo managed to make a tuna sandwich for breakfast while contemplating his plans for the day. He took a bite of his breakfast and grimaced. He wasn't a fan of tuna. He preferred meat and pasta, and dumplings, lots of them. He only ate tuna when he missed the delicious tuna mayo triangle kimbap he once ate ten years ago, yet he couldn't imitate the rich flavor of the original.

A few bites later, his phone rang. It was his brother. A phone call on the weekend, it was unlikely of his brother. They might not be very close, but Kyungsoo understood that his brother's weekend was usually spent with his wife and daughter, and church. He rarely called him or anyone else during the weekend. Kyungsoo picked it up since he knew Seungsoo wouldn't stop bothering him if he ignored the elder.

“Hey Kyungsoo,” Seungsoo, as usual, never bothered to say a proper hello whenever they talked on the phone. “Are you at home, today?”

“Good morning to you too, hyung,” Kyungsoo snorted. “What do you want me to do _now_?”

“Always so straightforward, aren’t we?” Seungsoo chuckled.

“You are NOT supposed to call me if it's not an emergency,” Kyungsoo replied coldly, which made his brother's laughter died suddenly. "So I suppose it is one of your emergency calls."

“Excuse you, it is not! You ONLY pick up my calls when _you sense it's an emergency_. I need to bother you several times for you to see the urgency." Kyungsoo rolled his eyes hearing what his brother said, but he didn't deny it.

He ignored most of his brother's texts or phone calls when they hadn’t reached the level of agonizingly disturbing. He had slowly dragged himself out of the family picture, where his father and step mother lived their luxury life with Kyungsoo's half-sisters and his brother's little family, since he graduated high school and moved out of their big house. He didn't need to be reminded of his parents' traumatic separation that still haunted him to this day.

“Alright, alright. Well, today is an important day for me and Dad. We're going to meet a new investor from Europe, so, both me and Seohyun will be very busy… you know, entertaining our guests. Can you do me a favor to watch Saeun for us for a few hours?”

Seungsoo had married his highschool sweetheart, the one he'd been dating since sophomore year and their marriage was blessed with a beautiful daughter several years ago. How lucky he was, he followed their Dad’s path and gained his favor. Meanwhile, Kyungsoo neglected his father's wish to study at a prestigious business school and chose a robotical engineering major instead. He was lucky, his Mom allowed him to follow whatever path he chose, and she was the one who paid for his tuition fee since his Dad had practically disowned him.

Kyungsoo groaned, “Can't you hire some babysitter instead? I'm kinda busy today. I have lots of unfinished assignments and I need to go to somewhere too.” _To fetch his journal_ , Kyungsoo finished the sentence in his head...

“Can't do that,” Seungsoo clicked his tongue. “There is no guarantee that she won't be kidnapped or something. Also, Saeun misses her uncle so much, the last time you visited us was last Chuseok, and you only stayed for the dinner, but left as soon as the dessert was served.”

The only reason that kept Kyungsoo away from his brother's family and his Dad was because he didn't want to be seen as a poor college boy and make his Dad feel like he’d won. After all, his Dad was the owner of one of the most prestigious hotels in South Korea, and he wouldn't have lived like this if only he had followed the path that his Dad prepared for him, just like his obedient brother.

At least he didn't have to work part-time like most of his friends, since his Mom's restaurant business was steadily growing bigger after some Super Junior members were seen eating at her place a few times. It was very nice of the famous idol group to leave their autographs and a short testimony on the restaurant's makeshift wall of fame. Their fans came to the restaurant quite often, praising the meals and the super cozy place to hang out on their online reviews. 

“...Kyungsoo? Should I send a driver to pick you here or drop Saeun at your flat instead? I will pick her up after everything is finished.”

“Just drop her here, I will look after her while working on my assignments,” Kyungsoo groaned. He did cherish his niece with all his heart, but today wasn't the right moment to babysit the toddler. Not when he already had his own plan.

“Don’t worry, I will pay you,” he heard his brother sighed. “Well, you know, I heard from an acquaintance that you are going to spend quite a fortune on fiber optics and…stuff, now that you're on the third year. Just give me your ba—”

“I’m fine. Do I look like I need your money, _hyung_?” Kyungsoo shouted, turning off his phone. The headache had returned, Kyungsoo dragged his feet to the bathroom and drenched himself, peeling every layer of clothing off of his body before stepping in the cold water. He let the dripping water wash away his inner rage.

——————————

**Oh Sehun**

_Sorry pal, I sort of forgot that we’re going_

_to spend time together today._

_[Oh Sehun is typing…]_

_And I'm sorta… already in the middle of a more_

_important appointment, so, yeah._

_See you next week, I guess?_

Jongin rolled his eyes while checking the latest message on his phone. It was no longer surprising news to hear, since it was probably the sixth time this month, and they only met twice a week to practice their routine together. Jongin didn’t even need to be good at Math to do the calculations, Sehun skipped most of their meetings or cut them short, since the only times he actually came, he was late. He quickly replied.

**Zkdlin**

_Can you come over after finishing_

_whatever business you have?_

_We still have time until 12._

**Oh Sehun**

_Sorry, I can't._

_[Oh Sehun is typing …]_

_I am supposed to meet her parents after lunch._

_The money is too promising to ditch._

Jongin couldn't help but roll his eyes at Sehun's text. He knew that this handsome friend of him has been working as a professional male escort ever since they graduated from high school a couple of years ago. Sometimes he accepted a job as a fake boyfriend to accommodate the high request of some spoiled rich kids to be shown around as a human trophy. Jongin couldn't say anything about that, since the money that Sehun got from this job sometimes went to pay for his tuition fee loan, and he returned it after he got his paycheck. He texted Yixing, asking whether he’s still up for their training, and the reply came almost instantly.

**ZYX**

_Otw bro._

**Zkdlin**

_Cool! I'll see you there_.

Jongin opened his refrigerator, the crease in his forehead grew thicker when he couldn't find what he was searching for, then groaned. Apparently the sandwiches from last night were missing, and so was Taemin. He left early for work, since he had a job during weekends, just like him. There wasn't any post-it or message left from the elder either, but, again, Jongin wasn't surprised. He grabbed a carton of milk, examined the expiration date before taking a sip after having made sure that it was safe.

Jongin continued reading the journal when he reached the bus stop and waited for the number 901 due to arrive in ten minutes. It was only three blocks away, but he wanted to spend his time reading the interesting journal instead of just walking to the studio. He realized later that this journey was separated into four sections based on the seasons, each marked with a colorful post-it, eventhough there were still a lot of empty pages left. He suddenly regretted doubting Kyungsoo's tidiness. He was indeed the most perfectly organized person Jongin had ever seen.

_Second Spring_

_I'm in my Mom's place, spending a little time with her before she leaves for Italy to continue her culinary school next week. I wish she would bring me along with her so that I don't have to stay with Dad and his latest annoying girlfriend who keeps pinching my cheek exaggeratedly to show how much she likes kids (which is not a lot, I can tell). But her scholarship only covers for one person's allowance and the twe—tuition fee, there are too many things to prepare if I were to tag along._

_Seungsoo didn't bring me along with him to see the cherry blossoms at Namsan Tower again, since he’s no longer a minor, and he decided to go to Japan with Seohyun_ noona _to celebrate their first anniversary. I'm still waiting for her to break up with him and realize that she deserves a better man than my spoiled, annoying_ hyung _._

_I'm gonna miss Mom. She says she will be away for two years, I will be in middle school by the time she comes back._

_But, I miss one particular boy the most. I wish I at least knew his name, so that he wouldn't be the forever anonymous cherry blossom boy._

_Mom used to tell me about this particular old story when I was a small boy. They say if you write down the name of your loved ones a million times, then the universe will probably take pity on you and decide to bring you closer._

_Scratch that, as I think about it more, it would be better if he remains as cherry blossom boy, just in case Dad or Seungsoo accidentally read this journal. Dad probably loathes man and man relationships, the way he disses Mom's girlfriend in front of me and Seungsoo_ hyung _, and every time he talked about how his wife divorced him to be with another woman._

_Perhaps he would not be as furious if Mom were having an affair with a man instead._

_Fourth Spring_

_I'm late._

_And I feel extremely upset._

_Dad promised to give me permission to see cherry blossom flowers after helping him prepare for his perfect spring wedding. It took weeks, but he promised me the flowers could wait, while his wedding could not. Unfortunately, when I could finally be here, all the beautiful flowers had withered away._

_So had my hope to see the cherry blossom boy. I really wanted to know more about him. When is his birthday? How old is he? Is he a_ hyung _to me? Sometimes I wish he is a_ hyung _, so that I can get rid of Seungsoo. He took good care of me last time, so he must be older, right?_

_Can I meet him again, even just once would be okay to last me for the rest of my life?_

_Fifth Spring_

_Mom said she can't go back to Korea this year, even though she'd finished her study several years ago. And I think things between her and the girlfriend are getting more serious. I mean, she constantly talks about how good her Jisoo_ unnie _will look in a wedding dress when we talk on the phone. Not that I'm against her having a serious relationship with another person. I love her. I really want her to be happy too, and that Jisoo auntie looks like her latest source of happiness._

_It's just like me and the cherry blossom boy I met five years ago. Since Seungsoo already has a girlfriend and they're currently living together, dad keeps bringing me to meet his fellow business partners' kids. I mean, they're not bad. Wendy is actually really fun to hang out with, and Krystal's beauty is dazzlingly irresistible. Jihyo is a little bit noisy, but she has the biggest heart and prettiest smile whenever she's around cute cats. And I love touching Edgar Allan Poe's cute pinkish paws, her favorite cat at the cat cafe we usually visit. I really wish I can adopt my own cat too, someday._

_Although I have found someone that attracts me more, I'm still waiting for the moment when I will meet him again. I just don't have the heart to tell my Dad that I don't need another playdate arrangement. Especially with girls._

_But, as the days go by, I'm not really sure if we'll meet again at all. I mean, even if we ever cross paths somewhere in the future, I may not recognize him anyway, since I no longer remember his face._

_And the thought alone bothers me, even now, as I am writing this down after one of the golf playdates with Yeri._


	2. The Last Summer

“You're early,” Joy said. He came an hour early for his shift, since he and Yixing had decided to get convenience store food for a quick lunch, and he was already feeling full after a cup of spicy noodles and a couple of sandwiches. Jongin replied lazily as he retrieved his work attire from the locker.

“Where is Joo Hyun _noona_?” he asked for his boss. Joy raised her eyebrows high.

“You don’t usually ask for her,” was her only reply after a few seconds. “She's not coming, anyway. She's going to have a special gathering with her family. It's Sunday, remember? Sunday means it's Joohyun _unnie_ 's courting day with whatever guy her parents are trying to set her up with.”

Jongin rolled his eyes. He didn't actually care about his boss’s love life, not that she openly talked about it with her male employees either. But the constant scrunched face and foul mood every morning after the supposed date night was enough of a signal that it wasn't going well. Jongin was going to change his attire to the usual shirt and slacks for work, when he suddenly halted his steps.

"Have there… have there been any phone calls from anyone since this morning?" he asked Joy. The girl's face scrunched, she was probably thinking hard to remember.

"The meat supplier or the flirty tax dude who persistently asks Joohyun _unnie_ to go out with him?"

Jongin couldn't help but roll his eyes, "No, none of them matter."

Joy remarked something that sounded like, "Weird," but Jongin did not care about her opinion. 

He somehow felt relieved that Kyungsoo hadn't called the restaurant asking for his journal yet. What would be even better was if the call could happen when Joohyun wasn't around. He couldn't imagine how his boss would respond to know what her employee of the month a couple times in a row did to her customer's privacy. He could lose his job and it would definitely taint his perfect reputation. People would assume he was a stalker, and that wouldn’t do him any good.

As Jongin tucked his shirt in neatly, he considered leaving the book at the restaurant tonight and perhaps moving on from his wondrous journey of peeking into his admirer's secrets. The next day was his day off, after all. Maybe it would be safer that way.

Jongin took back his words soon after, when their restaurant wasn't that crowded anymore, after the peak of dinner time had passed, and he had felt a bit sleepy. He couldn't resist the temptation to open the journal, safely hidden in one of the drawers, while working. He kept glancing at every corner to make sure no one caught him slacking, while he resumed his reading.

He was currently approaching the Summer section of the journal. It seemed like Kyungsoo separated his notes based on the four seasons, and he couldn't quite decipher why. Perhaps his writing mood changed along the season. Jongin once read about it somewhere in the library, but he couldn't quite recall what it said exactly. Or he just loved making themed bullet journals, and every season made the perfect niche to begin with.

  


_Third Summer_

_Miss Jeon, the counselor lady, keeps asking about my journal progress but I just keep shrugging my shoulders. Mom gave me two identical books because she loves to spoil me rotten, and I give her the empty one every time we meet for our consultation._

_Today she asked me, "What do you love the most at this moment, Kyungsoo?"_

_But I don't know what I love. Or whether I love that person enough to sacrifice everything for him. So I just answered Meokmul, Seungsoo's newly adopted poodle, and we only talk about her for the rest of our session._

  


_Sixth Summer_

_I hate summer._

_I despise sweating, but I can't_ not _sweat with these sunbeams directly attacking me.. Dad brought me and Seungsoo to spend the summer holidays in London, since he's going to meet with some important business partner there. We went to Cadbury World while Dad was busy, and I ate the largest amount of chocolate I've ever had for as long as I have lived._

_Seungsoo just laughed at me and said that I'll get diabetes when I'm older. I looked it up on our way home, and now I don't want to eat any sugar or sweets for the rest of my life._

_I wonder if my cherry blossom guy likes chocolate too. Seungsoo bought lots of chocolates for his girlfriend, should I buy him some too?_

_I ended up buying chocolates for Krystal and Yonghwa hyung, since they probably miss the flavor of English chocolate, as the siblings lived in London for ten years before moving back to Korea. Dad looks very happy to hear that I bought something for a girl. He is even going to give me my own card so that I can buy things on my own without depending on Seungsoo's money._

_Late at night when my Dad thought I was already asleep, he called Krystal's dad and asked for a playdate arrangement as soon as we get home. If I'm going to end up marrying Krystal, at least we are best friends and I think we can manage through the marriage._

_I will probably let her date her favourite boy or girl, I won't care, as long as she agrees to keep this marriage intact for the sake of our parents' satisfaction._

Jongin's fingers touched the old Cadbury wrapper taped in the next empty page and a handwritten letter attached to it that he assumed was from the Krystal girl, since the paper was decorated with hearts. He didn't want to be any nosier than he was already being—since he assumed that he already _knew_ Kyungsoo through the neat handwritten journal, but the words written in pinkish red ink really caught his attention.

_Do you like me, Kyungsoo?_

_Reply to this letter in the pink paper that I attached to you if you do, and then I will arrange our next date._

Jongin turned the page. The pink paper was taped there. He hadn't sent it back to Krystal. He wasn't sure whether he should feel relieved or saddened that Kyungsoo didn't return her feelings. 

  


_Eighth Summer_

_I'll start my college life after this summer ends._

_I'm torn between anxiety and excitement. What if I meet the cherry blossom boy at college, and his dorm happens to be next door?_

_But what if our meeting was supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing only, and it will be very selfish to expect someone's significant other to be mine?_

  


_Last Summer_

_I got drunk._

_It was only a couple of shots._

_And I think I accidentally said something I shouldn't have. That's what Baekhyun told me this morning when he woke me up for our last day at volunteer camp._

_He told me to move on. It's been nine long, tiring years, Baekhyun said. I pretended to not understand what he said, but he threatened to make me chug two bottles of soju to make me confess. He even set me up on a date with Hyunsik, the Microbiology guy we often met at cafeteria, next week. At least he's nice enough to hang out with and quite funny. If this doesn't work, we may become friends instead._

_Deep down, I don't think I'm ready to move on. But do I really have a chance with this—delusional fantasy, as Baekhyun said? That's why I am not going to write about him anymore. Perhaps if I stop writing about him, then I can finally let this fling go._

_So, goodbye my cherry blossom boy. Thank you for being my fantasy boyfriend for nine years. I'm letting you go. Please live your life to the fullest. At least one of us should be happy._

Jongin didn't notice he was frowning while reading that part. He could somehow sympathize with Kyungsoo's disappointment. He, too, might stop waiting for someone if he hadn't heard anything from them for a very long time.

On top of everything, he felt guilty for not trying harder to find Kyungsoo. It made him devastated to know that someone out there has been loving him for nine, almost ten straight years, and he just recently found out about it. He wished he could return the feeling. It might feel great to be with someone who loved you, and perhaps he could learn to love him back just as much. But he didn't know whether he was late, and the door was possibly already closed. 

"What are you doing?" Jongin quickly slipped the journal back to its previous hiding place when he heard Seulgi speak. He shook his head, but didn't miss his flushed face captured at the tinted lower part of the glass windows.

"Just… trying to catch up with some studies," he shrugged it off like it wasn't an important matter. 

"The new term just started. We're still far from exams," her piercing eyes sent shivers down Jongin's arms. How could he not think clearly before answering, he didn't know. Perhaps he was too scared to be caught slacking, or _something_ _else_. Things that had been haunting him since he recklessly decided to nose around Kyungsoo's journal.

"It's not like I can stop doing it," Jongin pouted. "I will not stop studying. I need to maintain my good grades or my scholarship will be taken away."

Seulgi sighed before shoving a couple of empty beer glasses towards him. "Then, please help me refill these, bring them to table four."

"Seulgi… I'm sorr—" Jongin already felt bad for lying to her, but she just glared at him. 

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Just do your job well."

Jongin did as he was told. He stopped reading for the rest of his shift, and he kept the book where it was. He even left a note, stuck it on the cover to tell his boss about it.

_Joohyun_ noona _,_

 _I found this book yesterday when I was cleaning the table. I feel bad, but I read the first page to see who the owner's identity was. But if someone named Doh Kyungsoo calls, this book belongs to him._ _He might be calling tomorrow, but tomorrow is my day off. So, I believe you'll take care of this on my behalf_.

_Jongin_

——————————

Saeun threw a nasty tantrum as soon as Minhyuk _hyung_ , Seungsoo's personal assistant, dropped her off at Kyungsoo's place. She threw her blanket and favorite plush toys all around the living room, it almost hit Kyungsoo's prototype for his final project this semester off the coffee table. Kyungsoo closed his laptop with a heavy sigh. He couldn't work on his assignments if she kept crying her eyes out.

"Come here, Baby Eun," Kyungsoo patted his thighs. Saeun climbed onto his lap, still sobbing hard. "Hush, stop crying now. Can you speak to me?" 

Saeun nodded weakly, her eyes still glistening with tears. Kyungsoo rubbed her cheeks with the palm of his hand, before placing small pecks at the top of her head.

"What do you want? Crying won't solve your trouble. Uncle Soo can't understand what you want if you don't tell me."

"I'm sorry,Uncle," she mumbled. 

"Do you miss your mommy?" Kyungsoo asked. Saeun shook her head, making her soft fluffy hair bounce. Her tiny point finger landed on Kyungsoo's chest.

"I miss you," she rubbed her cheeks at Kyungsoo's chest, tears starting to gather on her lower lids.

"Okay, I'm sorry for ignoring you. But, uncle need to do his homework—"

"Nooo," Saeun cried. "Uncle Soo mine. Please just look at me."

"Okay, okay, what do you want us to do now?" from the corner of his eye, Kyungsoo saw Saeun's favorite snacks inside her bag, packed along with her spare clothes and more toys. It might work to distract his niece's attention. "Do you want some Chocopie?"

"Only if you eat too," she pouted. Kyungsoo grabbed a pack of the soft cake, tore it in two and give half of it for Saeun, while he bit into his own. He spent the next couple of hours playing with his niece's dolls and they sang the childrens' songs that were taught at Saeun's kindergarten together. It was already near lunch hour when Saeun's belly grumbled. Kyungsoo brought the kid with him to the kitchen and seated her on the stool while he started preparing lunch. 

Saeun was busy munching on her bunny plushie's ear while watching her uncle cook. Kyungsoo managed to make some decent dishes from the scrap of ingredients left in his refrigerator. He made soybean paste stew and rolled omelettes before filling two bowls with rice and placed them in front of Saeun. He spoon-fed her, as the food was still hot, while stuffing his own mouth. 

"Do you like it?" Kyungsoo asked when Saeun hummed in every chew.

"It's delicious. Very, very, very delicious," she clapped her hands enthusiastically. "Uncle Soo should cook for me everyday."

Kyungsoo laughed while rubbing at Saeun's hamster cheeks. "You should visit me more often, then. But not _too_ often, since Uncle Soo will be very busy in the next couple of years," he quickly added.

While Saeun was taking a nap after lunch, Kyungsoo thought he could find some peace to continue his assignments. However, he woke up several hours later, disoriented and very warm—since Saeun was snuggled close to his chest—while trying hard not to groan angrily. He couldn't remember how he ended up in the bed. He didn't want to think about how he was probably procrastinating again by trying to take the fifteen minute power snooze but end up oversleeping. 

As he blinked away the drowsiness, he pondered whether or not he should take the payment Seungsoo previously offered. He might not be that desperately in need of money, but he was considering hiring someone to work on his assignments, since he had just wasted five precious hours babysitting his niece. Not that she wasn't important too, but… 

Kyungsoo pulled at his hair desperately. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand to look at the notifications. He had a new message from Baekhyun asking where he was and whether he needed company after… well, his little mental breakdown.

Kyungsoo scrolled upwards, the last time they had spoken privately was a bit less than a month ago. They'd been best friends since high school. Since they no longer shared an apartment after him moving out, they stopped talking to each other too. Perhaps the sole reason behind all of this was Chanyeol.

**DohKyungsoo12**

_Do you think I'm that desperate?_

He retracted the message and retyping his answer.

**DohKyungsoo12**

_I'm not, and I'm babysitting Saeun now._

_[DohKyungsoo12 is typing…]_

_Seungsoo_ hyung _promised me it wasn't going to be long. He's going to pick her up around this time._

He typed his reply. The sent sign at the left corner of his chat bubble was soon replaced with read, and the reply came faster than Kyungsoo expected. Baekhyun was probably still online even though his latest message was sent three hours ago. Or he had just been alerted by Kyungsoo's response, that's all. 

**Baekhyunee_**

_Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Want some company?_

That was very nice of him, it almost sounded like the old Baekhyun that Kyungsoo used to know, but Kyungsoo found it unnecessary.

**DohKyungsoo12**

_Who? You?_

**Baekhyunee_**

_Who else?_

**DohKyungsoo12**

_It's okay. I'll go there by myself after class tomorrow. The volunteer club doesn't have anything scheduled for this week._

**Baekhyunee_**

_Do you want me to pick you up at the Building D? You have Programming lab tomorrow, right? Please Soo, I really want to see you._

_[Baekhyunee_ is typing…]_

_I know that we just met yesterday, but we haven't actually had a proper talk in over two months. And I feel extremely bad for not being able to be there for you, and you probably need emotional support right now. So, will you see me?_

**DohKyungsoo12**

_Okay then. If you insist._

**Baekhyunee_**

_Very well. See you tomorrow. I'll borrow Chanyeol's car._

Kyungsoo flopped down from his bed when he heard his bell ring. His brother and his wife were standing at his door. He opened his door wider to allow both of them to come in.

"Is Saeun still napping?" Seohyun _noona_ asked. She gave him a bag full of homemade food packed in airtight containers which Kyungsoo appreciated with a soft-spoken thank you and heart-shaped smile. He brought it to the kitchen and stacked the food carefully in his refrigerator. 

"She will be waking up soon," Kyungsoo shrugged his shoulders, as they were stiff because his little niece had been using him as her makeshift pillow. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No, it's okay. We won't be long, anyway," his brother answered. Kyungsoo offered them to sit on the couch, where his work was scattered around the coffee table, but Seungsoo just made his way straight to Kyungsoo's bedroom, while Seohyun sat in the nearest kitchen stool.

"You look skinnier, Soo. Have you been eating well?" Had Kyungsoo ever told anyone that he loved his sister-in-law more than his own brother? Because she was the only one who actually cared for him, even though they weren't related by blood.

Ten years ago, when they first met on her first date at Namsan tower, she bought him lots of food and apologized on his brother's behalf with teary eyes. She was extremely upset when she found out that Seungsoo had abandoned his little brother for three hours straight, and she even made Seungsoo piggyback him on their way back. But that was probably why Seungsoo loved her more, he even fought their dad to be able to marry the girl he loved so dearly. Looking at the happiness radiating from his brother whenever he was around his wife and their little girl made him jealous. He wanted to be with someone who would cherish his own presence too, if that wasn't too much to ask for.

"Yes, I've been eating well, _noona_ , thank you for asking. It's just school, I guess."

"Do you need help?" Seohyun grabbed Kyungsoo's hand, running her thumb along his knuckles. "Well, you know, I majored in Physics, with a double degree in Economics. If you ever need someone to talk to about science, I could be the closest person to you."

"Thank you, that's very kind of you, but I can manage by myself."

"We should meet more often, don't you think so?" 

Kyungsoo laughed politely, "Funny, that's what Saeun told me when we had lunch."

"Now that I see it up close, I can understand how dedicated you are towards machinery," Seungsoo returned to the small living room while carrying the sleepy Saeun. He knitted his eyebrows, looking like he was trying to pick his words carefully. But, knowing his brother, Kyungsoo could actually guess where this conversation would lead.

"Are you leaving soon?" Kyungsoo asked. He didn't mean to be rude, he just had no idea what to say anymore. But it seemed like he was uncomfortable around his brother.

"We'll go home now," Seohyun picked up Saeun's bag before hugging him tight. "Thank you for taking care of our Saeun. She misses you as much as we do. You should come see us more often." 

Kyungsoo waved towards his sister-in-law and niece who seems like they were on the verge of tears before closing his front door. Finally, he had all the time he needed without any further disturbance, but Kyungsoo just laid on his couch, feeling mentally exhausted.

——————————

Jongin's heart was immediately filled with warmth when he saw his niece's newborn picture. She was wrapped in his sister and her husband's arms that his father had taken at the hospital using their family's one and only polaroid. He cherished every stage of her growth, diligently archiving every single picture in a photo book. He missed his little girl, he would definitely be home for Chuseok just so that he could spend his entire holiday with the kids. He put the album back on its shelf with a blooming smile. He was trying to locate which album contained his childhood photos, running his hand across the spines.

He stumbled upon his high school memories where he first met Taemin, Moonkyu and Wonshik. Wonshik went to America after they finished high school, following his mom who had married an American born Korean lawyer. His father had passed away at a very young age because of lung disease, even Wonshik himself only vaguely remembered him. He was grateful for that, though. He would rather not have memories of someone deceased, instead of spending the rest of his life mourning the loss. He was glad his mother had decided to move on and seek her own happiness. Raising a son by herself was hard enough, and he never wanted to disappoint her.

Moonkyu debuted in a boy group last year. He was the busiest among the four of them. They texted once in a blue moon, whenever he was allowed to use his phone, and all that time was filled with his excitement about his choreography, and how he would get his solo dance break, or how he had started learning musical instruments to compose his own songs. Jongin felt ecstatic just by listening to his plans for the future, hoping he could somehow find his own too.

His smile widened when he saw that one particular picture. On the last page of the sixth book, covered in dust—although he'd been sure to dust his bookshelf every other week, he found what he'd been searching for these last couple of hours. It might not be the exact picture that he was looking for, but it was taken on the same day and it had the same outfit that fit his description. He remembered it was once his favorite outfit, and he wore it on almost every occasion. He picked one where he thought he looked handsome, even though handsome was probably the least suitable word for a nine year old kid. 

And he wished it would be convincing enough.


	3. The Late Fall

Baekhyun honked when he saw Kyungsoo leaving the building. The younger of the two jogged across the street before planting himself in the front seat.

"Have you been waiting for long?" Kyungsoo asked. Baekhyun popped his newly unwrapped lollipop into his mouth before mumbling his reply.

"I just got here."

Baekhyun fixed his rear-view mirror before turning on his engine. They rode several minutes in silence before Kyungsoo cleared his throat.

"How are you?"

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, "Really, Soo? Is this your best attempt?"

Kyungsoo snorted, "I don't know. You try then."

Baekhyun bit his lower lip, "Have you eaten?"

They looked at each other before bursting into laughter. It had been a long time, indeed. Baekhyun was the only one who stood up for Kyungsoo when a bunch of seniors had tried to raid him for cash during his first year of high school. They probably recognized Kyungsoo's family wealth from the pristine Bentley and his personal chauffeur sending and picking him up after school, although they didn't know that Kyungsoo barely got enough cash in his pocket to purchase the carbonated drink that he really liked. Baekhyun's mere presence was more than enough to make them scatter. Known as a third level black belt holder in _hapkido_ , those bulky bullies couldn't even win against him alone, even though he was almost half their size.

They'd been inseparable since that day. They even got admitted to the same University because Kyungsoo just loved machinery and Baekhyun thought his ability to fix the old fan at his grandmother's house was enough for him to understand basic engineering. They spent most of their spare time together at home, as fellow homebodies, playing games, working on assignments and eating take out when they were too lazy to cook something.

Baekhyun had done lots of things Kyungsoo never thought he deserved to receive. They'd been friends for more than five years, almost six. Kyungsoo thought that amount of time was enough for them to be able to understand each other. Kyungsoo knew what Baekhyun liked and disliked, the way he scrunched the tip of his nose whenever he made any dish with cucumbers, or the way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he laughed. Kyungsoo tucked Baekhyun's blanket every time he woke up in the middle of the night and checked on him, because he tended to move a lot in his sleep.

He thought they understood each other. He didn't know what Baekhyun had endured during their time together that he couldn't wait to leave him when the opportunity presented itself. If he had, maybe Baekhyun wouldn't have jumped straight to move in with his boyfriend after months of dating.

"Are you doing fine?" Baekhyun rephrased his question. Kyungsoo nodded his head in response.

"I'm good. Are you happy?"

"With Chanyeol? Yes. But not with us," Baekhyun pouted.

"Yeah, me too."

"Wanna talk?"

"Do we have any other choice?" Kyungsoo remarked sarcastically. Baekhyun frowned, their car stopped at a red light.

"You're such a kind-hearted person, Soo," Baekhyun confessed. "Too kind. Too _perfectly_ polished."

"Is this the new term for a bad guy?"

"Come on, Soo," Baekhyun whined. Kyungsoo chuckled at his distressed face. He might be headlocked had Baekhyun not been driving.

"Go on, I'm listening."

"I honestly can't stop feeling bad for…" Baekhyun cleared his throat. "You know what? It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to rant, to whine, to break into tears, laugh out loud until you hurt your stomach, or feel the urge to stab someone in their eyes. But you would rather lock yourself out and kick everyone away—you kicked me when I reached out to you. It bothered me, being so helpless. I wish I could face your enemies too, so that I could give them a nice kick in the ass. But I can't, Soo. Most of them are hidden behind your thick skull.

"You can't express yourself properly unless you're wasted. I'm starting to think I should intoxicate you with a couple of shots of soju, just to be able to dig inside your head. I'm tired of questioning myself whether I did something wrong, or if I have crossed the line, or whether we are still friends, whether you are really okay. I'm dying to see a sign, any sign, since I can’t read your mind."

Kyungsoo sighed, it wasn't a new thing, really. That was what Miss Jeon, his counselor, said ten years ago when his father brought him to her office for the first time. Kyungsoo was a quiet, introverted kid. Growing up, his inability to show any emotions worsened, especially after his parents’ big fight that ended with their separation. But even Miss Jeon gave him up back then. Before Kyungsoo got into high school, he stopped seeing her and she stopped asking for him.

"It's not like I can do anything to fix it," Kyungsoo tried to carefully pick his words. "Is that why you left me?"

Baekhyun stayed mum for several long minutes, his eyes on the road. So did Kyungsoo, although he spent the entire time checking his phone, before he heard Baekhyun mumbling, "I shouldn't have left you. I was wrong. Even Chanyeol keeps telling me how foolish that was."

"It's okay. I don't deserve you, Baek," Kyungsoo averted his eyes towards the window, trying hard to convince himself that it wouldn't change anything about him.

"No! _I_ don't deserve you," Baekhyun insisted. "You did so many good things for me, but I left you to drown in your own depression. Please let me in, Soo. I'm begging you, once again."

Kyungsoo's face lit up, "I can try. So, we're good?" He offered him his hand, but Baekhyun decided to go the extra step by stopping the car, unbuckling both of their seatbelts, and pulling him into a hug. Kyungsoo circled his arms around Baekhyun's torso, patting his back. 

"We'll be good again, right? Promise me?" Kyungsoo shrugged. Baekhyun pinched his side, making him scream in pain. "I'll take that as a yes. We're here. Go on, I'll wait in the car."

A beautiful lady behind the cashier's counter smiled prettily when Kyungsoo pushed the front door open. She welcomed him warmly, as if already expecting his arrival. It brought more confidence to Kyungsoo's inner self, as he took his steps carefully.

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" she asked when he came near. 

Kyungsoo gave her his best smile before answering, "Hello, my name is Doh Kyungsoo. Uh, you might not recognize me, but last Saturday I was here with my friends…"

He noticed her widened eyes and recognition in her facial expressions. She jolted before bending over to rummage inside her drawer, then retrieved the leather-bound book that Kyungsoo had been looking for throughout the weekend.

"Oh, Doh Kyungsoo! Are you looking for this book?" she pushed the journal towards Kyungsoo's folded hand in the counter. "My part-timer found your journal when he was cleaning the table you previously occupied. I apologize that he opened your book to find out your identity, but he swore that he didn't read anything except your name on the front page."

Kyungsoo couldn't resist the sad smirk that unconsciously latched on his face. None of that mattered anyway. He had stopped writing to someone he adored dearly a year ago on the last day of summer. 

"It's okay, Miss… " he read her name tag. "Miss Joohyun. I'm glad that it was safe here. I thought I lost it somewhere. It's just… my Mom gave it to me, and I'd feel bad if I lost it."

He didn't lie, although he didn't tell the truth either, so he thought it was fine. 

"Glad Jongin found it," she exhaled. "He's a kind-hearted kid and hard working too."

"Jongin?" Kyungsoo raised his eyebrows. "Oh, that part-timer's name. Please give my thanks to him."

"Will do."

Kyungsoo thanked Joohyun once again before retreating, but the mention of his name stopped him on his track.

"Doh Kyungsoo!"

"Yes, Miss Joohyun?"

"Do you want to write a thank you letter to Jongin?" Joohyun's corner of the lips looked awkwardly tucked to form a proper smile. Kyungsoo just shook his head in response.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not good with words," Kyungsoo gave her a tight-lipped smile. "I trust you to do it on my behalf."

He was thankful enough that the part-timer kept his journal, even turned it in to his boss. But he didn't know him enough to write him a personal thank you letter.

"Funny," Joohyun giggled. "That's exactly what he told me _yesterday_."

——————————

Sehun was busy shoving half a slice of pizza into his still-full mouth in an attempt to win the 'Who could eat the most?' battle among the three of them, while Yixing rolled his like a burrito to take a big bite. They did some mukbang randomly out of boredom, and the two boxes of large sized pizza that they bought were still halfway to go. They had all the rest of the month to burn the extra calories they gained, since their new schedule had been released this afternoon.

“So, you're asking us if we have an acquaintance in Kyunghee Cyber University?” Yixing asked after downing his sparkling water to wash away the pizza grease from his throat. “Are you looking for someone in particular?”

Jongin sighed. His appetite was long gone, and he didn't even care if he had to pay for their lunch tomorrow if he lost. Sehun and Yixing watched him cautiously, it had been a long time since Jongin had last talked about his interest.

Where should he start?

_Joohyun stopped by his locker when he got to his work the day before. She leaned against Wooyoung's locked door while looking at him with her piercing eyes. Jongin decided to go against changing into his work attire when she was around._

_"So," she began._

_"Yeah?"_

_"He came yesterday." Jongin didn't need to ask who she was referring to, but the effect resonated in his ears, increasing the loud murmur sounds caused by his rapid heart beat. He took a deep breath to calm himself._

_"Good. I'm glad to help him," he put on his best smile, the same polite gesture that he's used to giving to his customers. "Now, could you_ — _"_

_"And he's a very good looking young man." Jongin didn't know what Joohyun was implying, so he just nodded along. He might not know which one is the Doh Kyungsoo among his five customers that night, but all of them were handsome. "Small face, big doe eyes, heart-shaped lips. He wore a Kyunghee Cyber University varsity jacket, and black-rimmed glasses. He has all the things that perfectly describe a cute nerdy boy."_

_"And you're telling me this because…"_

_Joohyun grinned, "Just in case you're curious. After all, you returned it to me on the second day, instead of telling me right away that night while you can."_

_Jongin couldn't hide how shocked he was, his hands trembling hard, and he felt like he had just dropped from the fifteenth floor and was now free falling. His throat felt parched, and the only thing crossing his mind was the possibility of Joohyun firing him. All of sudden, Joohyun smiled her trademark motherly-smile. She grabbed Jongin's shoulder, giving it small pats._

_"Privacy breaching is a crime, Jongin, I really mean it," she menaced. "I want to hear your reason, and please make it worthwhile while I'm willing to listen."_

_"Did you take a look inside?" He carefully asked. Joohyun shook her head._

_"Why should I? We don't need any other criminal in this place. Just. Tell. Me. While I'm asking you nicely."_

"Earth to Jongin," Sehun flicked his forehead. "Why have you been spacing out so much this week?"

"It must be something serious," Yixing clapped his hand enthusiastically. “Have you finally decided to accept the blind date that Jeonghan offered you a couple of weeks ago?"

"I thought Jeonghan was going to introduce him to that band vocalist—what was his name again? Johnny? Jaehyun? Gosh! Why is my memory this bad?" Sehun slapped his temple in frustration.

"You're lucky you're handsome," Yixing chided. "You can't have both beauty and brains at once, that's unfair."

“No, no, please listen to me, it's not like that…” Jongin stuttered, he couldn't prevent the tip of his ear from being tinted crimson from blushing, which made Sehun squint his eyes.

“I have no idea that Jongin is into nerds,” Sehun pointed his empty package at Jongin's face. His voice was slurred, as if he had drank wine instead of peach flavored milk. “Is this your latest found kink? I swear, I thought you’d prefer a muscular guy with six packs and strong arms.”

"Jongin refused Zitao, though."

Sehun snapped his fingers, "Ah, you're right. How could I forget about that poor transfer student who fell head over heels for Jongin, but Jongin keep friendzoning him."

“No! God, no! Can you both please just leave it, when I say no?” Jongin groaned, his lips momentarily pouting out of habit. 

“No,” they both replied at the same time. Jongin whined, anger slowly boiling in his blood.

“Tell me again, why do I want to be your friend?” Jongin slouched his back exasperatedly.

“Because you're poor,” Sehun declared sarcastically. "Poor people don't have much privilege to pick who they want to be friends with."

"Thank you for the reminder."

“You know you can't reject us,” Yixing claimed, which was pretty accurate. "We offer free food sometimes too, and our friendship is not entirely bad either," Yixing did sound offended. 

"So, are you going to tell us or not?" Sehun picked up his phone. "I have a movie date with Suho this evening, so whatever you're trying to say, just make it quick."

"Alright, alright," Jongin jutted his lower lip. "So… I think I have an admirer. And I didn't realize it until ten years later and he as probably given up on me."

"Wow, I never thought that you're so confident. I mean, how could you be so sure that it was you?"

"It was me, Sehun, and I'm pretty sure about it."

Sehun whistled, "Do you like him too? Have you met him? I mean, like you said, it's been ten fucking years, that's quite a long time for a…" Sehun rubbed his temple, trying hard to find the right words. It seemed like Jongin wasn't the only one who was frustrated. "Commitment? Yeah, let's use that for now, until I come up with a more proper term. What does he look like? How could he still remember you after all this time, but you didn’t? Don't you think it's unfair to him?"

"Fuck, Sehun, that's too many questions," Jongin shook his head in response, a headache slowly forming at the back of his head. It was frustrating enough for him to admit everything to his friends, but he had to admit Sehun wasn't entirely wrong either. “Well, I didn't, but my boss saw him. And she said he is very handsome.”

"Even Joohyun _noona_ knows about this?" Jongin never missed the way Yixing's eyes lit up whenever he mentioned his beautiful boss. "Please tell us the detailed story, we're confused as hell."

"Yeah, tell us everything."

So Jongin told them everything, about the leather-bound journal he found during his shift, how it turned out to be someone's diary and he constantly wrote to him, _about him_ , every time he was having trouble expressing his emotions, as a coping mechanism—but he left out the details of his writing, for the sake of Kyungsoo's privacy—and how he wished that they could meet again, at least once.

Sehun and Yixing were surprisingly silent while Jongin spilled everything. No snide remarks were thrown, nor did they cut his speech with questions. When Jongin finished his story, the only sounds heard were their breaths and slow munching. 

“Hold on,” Sehun pushed the last slice of pizza for Jongin, which he refused. "You _met_ him for the second time at your work, yet he didn't recognize your face."

"Come on, dude," Yixing elbowed him. "They hadn't met for ten years. If I were Myungsuk—"

"Kyungsoo," Jongin corrected him.

"Kyungsoo, I would probably have forgotten his face too," Yixing pointed at him. "I mean, what's special about—ow!"

Jongin's pointe shoes hit Yixing's chest with a very satisfying loud thud. He whined while rubbing at the pained area. 

"Let's be reasonable, with all the clues, especially when the journal is no longer in your possession, then how can you convince him that you're the boy that he'd been searching for?"

Jongin shrugged, "I have no idea. I don't even know where to find the courage to… talk to him, but, I don't think it's fair for him either. I mean, I feel bad that he has to face everything by himself."

"You feel bad for a crush that you barely knew and you want to do what in return? Ask him on a date?"

Jongin just shrugged. Really, he had no idea what he would do after he met Kyungsoo. _After_ he admitted his mistakes for reading his journal without consent. 

"Also, you did mention that Kyungsoo went on several playdates. Isn’t that what rich people usually do to their kids?" Yixing added after pondering hard. His forehead scrunched as if he was in pain. "Ah! Your Suho client, wasn't he one of the rich kids? Or was he the tech boy? They could be friends, or at least acquaintances, you know, rich people privilege. You can ask him for his picture. At least, Jongin needs to know what he looks like."

"Shit! You're right, Xing," Sehun nodded his head. "Oh, wait!" his eyes lit up in excitement. "Fuck, why didn’t I realize it sooner?"

"As I said, you only have your beauty, not the sharp brain," Yixing chuckled, he really liked it when his theory was right. 

"You know what? I Consider yourself lucky, because the guy that I'm currently dating, Suho, he's studying at Kyunghee. Want me to ask him about Kyungsoo?"

Suddenly, Jongin understood why he befriended these two dudes. Sometimes they could be very smart and reliable sources when needed. Somehow, he was reminded of the name he found on Naver when he looked up Doh Kyungsoo for the first time. He could probably come from a very different social class family, yet he still adored him that much and faithfully waited for him.

Jongin wondered whether he had saved a whole nation in his previous life to deserve someone like Doh Kyungsoo.

——————————

Kyungsoo was not supposed to spend the entire night at the library, since the design task for his humanoid was due the next day, and he hadn't even started building it, but he still needed more references for the arm mechanism. Baekhyun was half-draped over at the table next to him, peacefully sleeping. Chanyeol dropped him off several hours ago, since he insisted on accompanying Kyungsoo while he studied, and he said he wanted to give Kyungsoo all the mental support he needed. Despite all the spirits raging inside him, Baekhyun couldn't keep his eyes open anymore after several hours. He was even about to drool over his own laptop's keyboard if Kyungsoo wasn't there to prevent him from ruining the poor gadget.

Kyungsoo chuckled at his funny sleeping face. It almost felt like the old times, when Baekhyun slept over every weekend at his father's huge mansion and they did their homework together. Kyungsoo took off his glasses, and stretched his stiff upper body, cracking some joints here and there. From the table where he was sitting, he could see the darkening night outside the window. Soon enough it would be midnight, and he might need to wake Baekhyun up soon when the library was closing.

Kyungsoo pulled his leather-bound journal from his bag. He hadn't checked his journal since he retrieved it from the barbeque restaurant four days ago. He opened page by page, watching how his handwriting evolved as he got older, touching the trinkets he had slipped beneath each page, and how he only wrote one entry every year. There was only one writing during Fall, and he never wrote anything on Winter, as he loathed winter the most, since it was the coldest time of the year.

_Seventh Fall_

_I think I saw him today, that cherry blossom boy. He might have grown several inches taller and his shoulders might have gotten broader, but his beautiful smile stays the same. Although I'm not sure whether he is the one or not, because I couldn’t find the courage to talk to him, but I can feel it in my gut, the constant tugging that pulls me towards him._

_What should I say?_

_"Hello, you might not remember me, but we met nine years ago at Namsan Tower when you and your family went on a flower viewing."_

_No, that sounds creepy. I don't want to freak him out._

_Maybe I am just hallucinating. I miss him that much, I start seeing him everywhere. It might not be him._

_Also, he was with his boyfriend, anyway. He's slightly taller and very,_ very _handsome. I hope he's happy with him, because I cherish the moments when I imagine his own happiness._

He was contemplating whether or not he should write down the moment he lost his journal, and managed to find it back, but he had already promised Baekhyun that he would stop doing that. He decided to take a walk instead, and perhaps grab a coffee from the convenience store across the street to keep him awake.

Kyungsoo nearly ran into someone when he opened the front door and the person stood too close to the wall. He apologized quickly before starting to walk away, but the person's stuttered talk stopped him.

"E-excuse me, a-are you Doh Kyungsoo?" Kyungsoo eyed him carefully. He was sure he had never met him before, nor crossed paths with him around the university buildings, but his face was quite familiar. He was going to deny him, when he spoke again, "Can I—do you have… a moment, please?"

They occupied the only two chairs at the front of the convenience store while holding their coffees. An americano for Kyungsoo, a latte for the stranger. He almost judged him for his taste of coffee, but he swallowed it down with the bitterness of his own dose of caffeine. They've been sitting in silence, except for the time when the stranger insisted on paying their coffee, which Kyungsoo didn't refuse.

It was half past eleven, and the cold breeze of late autumn chilled him. He shivered a bit, even his hot coffee wasn't enough to warm up his frozen fingers. The stranger beside him shrugged himself out of his brown coat before draping it over Kyungsoo's shoulders. His clothes smelled like cinnamon and herbs, with a hint of musk. Kyungsoo involuntarily took a deep breath.

"I apologize, I should have taken you to a better pla—"

"What do you want to talk about?" Kyungsoo snarled in his coldest tone. "I don't have much time, and the library is closing soon, I need to pack my things and wake my study partner."

"I'm sorry, I'll make it quick then," he bowed his head. There was a rustle sound of paper bag before something was shoved under Kyungsoo's nose.

"What is it?" 

"Please open it."

The smell of tuna hit Kyungsoo's nose first. There were several pieces of tuna flavored triangle kimbap inside the paper bag. Kyungsoo sniffed a few times, he recognized this delightful smell. He still remembered it even after ten years have passed. 

"I'm sorry for coming this late. I tried to recreate my brother-in-law's recipe yesterday but it turns out I'm a terrible cook. So I went home, three hours away, to ask him to make this d-dish f-for you," he stuttered. Kyungsoo could hear his teeth chattering, it could be from the cold or the nerves.

He pulled out an old photograph from his shirt pocket. In it, a small kid was seen holding a big fish in one hand. He wore a blue bear printed t-shirt and yellow snapback. It was the outfit of a person that Kyungsoo remembered dearly. Kyungsoo accepted the picture with his trembling fingers. He was still pretty much in shock, he couldn't say anything. He needed time to let everything sink in.

"I'm sorry for r-reading your journal and finding out that it was me who you've been talking about. I'm sorry for not being around w-when you need my s-support. I'm sorry I didn't find you sooner. You might not recognize—"

Kyungsoo shut him up.

He didn't think at all when he yanked the stranger's collar and landed his lips upon his chapped ones. His coffee was long forgotten. It fell from his lap and spilled on the paved floor. The kiss lasted several seconds, just an innocent peck on the lips. When he pulled away, the stranger's eyes were widened in shock, the tips of his ears tinted red. His own expressions must have looked quite similar, but he couldn’t care less.

Instead of throwing a fit, screaming at his face for reading his journal, running away as far as possible, or just snapping at him, he decided to kiss him anyway. It was a stupid move and he was starting to regret it when the person in front of him malfunctioned for several moments.

"My name is Kim Jongin," he finally said. "Your cherry blossom boy is finally here, Doh Kyungsoo. Can we… I don't know, start everything over again?"

Kim Jongin.

Jongin.

The part-time worker that Joohyun had mentioned.

Kyungsoo finally found a name to call his cherry blossom boy. He might not have written his proper name a million times enough to make the universe to take pity on him, but he somehow managed to find his own way after all.

"Yes, Jongin. I would love to."


	4. The Winter Solstice

Seungsoo was sat straight in his chair, sipping his tea, when Kyungsoo slid the door to their private dining room open. He must have been bewildered when Kyungsoo had called him first, but it didn't show on his face. He just smiled at his younger sibling, allowing him to sit on the chair across from his own.

"How are you?" he carefully asked after the waitress had served Kyungsoo's drink, a glass of iced Americano. He cringed at his brother's taste in beverages.

"I'm fine, _hyung_."

The last time they met was no less than three weeks ago when Seungsoo had asked him to babysit Saeun. He was very happy when Seohyun mentioned how Saeun talked about what had been bothering her, instead of throwing a fit after her stay at Kyungsoo's place. He didn't know how Kyungsoo tamed his little brat, he might ask about it later if he had the chance.

But, to be honest, he hadn't really been close with his brother since their younger days. Seungsoo was seven years older than Kyungsoo, he usually played with kids his age or several years older than him. His father brought Seungsoo along to almost every place he went for business visits, while Kyungsoo mostly stayed at home with the nanny. Even when they were in public together, Kyungsoo never strayed away from their mother.

He was a rather cheerful kid, he inherited their mother's beauty, and his full lips turned heart-shaped when he laughed. But their parents had started fighting more frequently when Kyungsoo was around eight, and they divorced when he was ten. Since then, Seungsoo never saw the beautiful smile on his brother's face anymore. Their father even hired a professional counselor for Kyungsoo a year later, but even she couldn't help much.

Kyungsoo might not realize it, but Seungsoo always noticed how his stoic face somehow lit up whenever he was alone, writing something down in the journal given to him by their mother. He didn't dare to ask questions nor disturb his little brother's own world, for he didn't want to ruin the only joy that Kyungsoo had. He just wished whatever the counselor lady was trying to do to help him was working. Seungsoo would give everything he had just to see his little brother smile again the way he used to before their parents separated.

" _Hyung_ , I think I'm in love with someone," Kyungsoo finally said in the middle of their meal. The corner of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. Finally, the heart-shaped lips. Seungsoo might have forgotten how contagious Kyungsoo's smile was, until his lips stretched on their own. 

"When will you introduced _them_ to me?" he teased. How long had he been waiting to use that word for this very special occasion. He would love to meet whoever made his little brother happy, and perhaps have several words with them, the way a big brother was supposed to do.

"You said 'them _'_ ," Kyungsoo noticed. He didn't specifically say 'her' the way their father used to whenever they had family dinner. 

"Does that even matter?" Seungsoo replied. Kyungsoo widened his doe eyes. He seemed surprised that his brother was so open with any _possibility_. 

"Would you be okay if I fell in love with a guy?" Kyungsoo frowned. Their father didn't fancy anything other than heterosexuality, they were both aware of that, but that didn’t make Seungsoo to be like him. Spending most of his youth in foreign countries made Seungsoo more open to other people's interests. He'd been on lunch dates with their mother and her now wife several times, during which his mother casually slipped in that Kyungsoo might be _following her path_. But, honestly, he wouldn't have been there with his mother in the first place, had he not accepted their relationship.

"Kyungsoo, it's okay. Here, I'll even let you use my card to bring him on a date, if you promise me to let us meet," Seungsoo smiled reassuringly. "As long as you're happy, I'll support you whatever you are doing, because you deserve it."

Seungsoo didn't anticipate Kyungsoo's hug. He clutched at his formal suit dearly while mumbling his endless thank yous. Seungsoo patted the younger's back slowly. The last time he had held him like this was on the night their mother left their father's mansion. Kyungsoo had been crying his eyes out, while calling out for their mother to not leave him alone. He wished it wouldn't be the last time he held him. Seungsoo wanted to protect his little sibling at any cost, the way he should have done since the very beginning.

"So, tell me, is he handsome?" Kyungsoo nodded. "Does he treat you right?" Another nod. "Do you like him that much?" Seungsoo rubbed at his brother's head nested on his chest. "Then it's settled. I'll welcome him with the warmest heart when we meet."

——————————

Jongin invited Kyungsoo to watch the Nutcracker ballet performance at Seoul Arts Center, but Kyungsoo came earlier than him. He waited for Jongin in the front building while rubbing his gloved hands together to warm himself. The show was going to start in less than fifteen minutes, yet Jongin hadn't replied to his latest message announcing his arrival. 

" _Hyung_!" The tall figure ran towards him as fast as his slender legs could bring him towards Kyungsoo while clutching his paper bag dearly.

It turned out that Jongin was a year younger than him, his birthday was only a day away from his own, but it didn't matter anymore, they were together anyway, and he spoiled him rotten. They hugged, Jongin's warmth always felt like home, even when it was the middle of winter. He ushered him inside, the tickets ready in their grip.

"I told you to wait inside," Jongin whined as they got to their seats. Kyungsoo giggled, he looked cute when he sulks. He couldn't wait to kiss the pout away from his lips, but it could wait until later when they reached his flat. 

"What took you so long, anyway?" Kyungsoo gripped Jongin's hand, maneuvering them so that they linked. Their palms fit together perfectly. Jongin placed his paper bag in Kyungsoo's lap. 

"Your Christmas gift."

"Is this another—"

Jongin placed his free fingers to Kyungsoo's lips, "Sssh, the show has begun."

Kyungsoo adored the dancers’ performance, although he'd seen Jongin dance several times already, but watching the real show up close was a whole new experience he would definitely love to remember. The music, the outfits, the lighting and their facial expressions mixed together perfectly, it was almost magical. Jongin brought their linked hands to his lips, landing small pecks on Kyungsoo's knuckles.

After the show, Jongin took him out for dinner. It might not be a Michelin star restaurant which Kyungsoo took him to on their first date, but the food was very tasty. They rode the last bus to Kyungsoo's flat, since it was closer and Kyungsoo looked tired already. He'd been sleeping less than four hours a night for weeks to finish his first prototype, and Prof. Minseok had been showering him with praise. Jongin was so proud of his clever boyfriend that he even made a robotics-inspired choreography to support him. 

Kyungsoo had barely unlocked his front door when Jongin nudged him to open his early Christmas present. He took a peek inside the paper bag, and found a leather-bound journal similar to his. He pulled it out, eyebrows raised high when he demanded his boyfriend to explain.

"So… I think I'm going to start bullet journaling," Jongin rubbed his nape. Kyungsoo released the rubber bind, opening the file front page. It was written in a messy handwriting: _Journal of Kim Jongin and Doh Kyungsoo._

There was a checklist on the second page, ticked on the first date, holding hands, hugs, kisses and cuddles, including the dates of the current event. There was an even longer list of things they were going to do, they hadn't even had sex yet, meeting each other's family members, going on a vacation together, and at the very end of the list, engagement, marriage, honeymoon, having their first child or adopting a dog. Kyungsoo could feel Jongin's breath on his nape when he placed his chin on Kyungsoo's shoulder and circled his arms around his waist.

"I know that we still have a very long way to go, but I want you to know that I really want to do all of it with you," he whispered. "only if you'll allow me."

Kyungsoo turned back, smiling widely as he pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss. Their love journal would begin in the winter. He might still not be that good with words, but he had found a better way to express his gratitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks to my friends, LY and K for being a brainstorming partner and grammar nazi, I am nothing without your help. Thanks to my beta reader Mari for being super patient with me, Some grammatical mistakes were done intentionally, I hope it wouldn't bother you too much. I would like to apologize to my prompter if this fic couldn't fulfill their expectations. I'm altering their prompt a little bit, and I hope they like it. Thanks to the mods for being super patient with me, since I'm very panicky in every check-in. It's my first time joining a fic fest, and I hope it won't be the last. Finally, thanks to everyone who reads this. Please let me know what you think about this.


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